Category Archives: Empowering mothers

Do your kids behave better for others than they do with you?

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Children behaving badly

While I opened my wallet to pay our babysitter Stephanie after my husband and I returned home from our date night, I asked her how everyone behaved. “Oh, they were great! They even helped me clean up their rooms and the play room before they went to bed,” she answered.  “Oh, I’m so glad,” I responded, while in my head I asked, “who were these children she was referring to, and what has she done with mine?”

I remembered how stressed and short-tempered I’d been earlier that afternoon while trying to get everything in order with the kids, with their homework, while preparing dinner, and then trying to get myself ready to go out. I felt that my kids’ noise and energetic behavior was making matters worse. Maybe the problem was more me, than it was them.
       

As a mother of six over the years, I’ve definitely seen a correlation between my mood and my children’s. On the days after I’ve been up all night with a sick child, for instance, I’ll do my best to keep everything and everyone moving along smoothly, but will probably fall short somewhere along the way. While some children will try to help their tired mom, others might take advantage of a mom who’s obviously not at her best, and believe that they can get away with behavior that they might otherwise be corrected for.
       

Luckily, in my experience, I’ve been on my game more than I have not been. My children have been taught they must respect us as parents as well as each other, and to comply with our house rules. With that said, however, every child will have a less-than-perfect day here and there, and that’s to be expected and is understandable. Communication is key. It’s important to find out why the rebellious or disrespectful behavior is happening, and address it as soon as possible. If behavior is becoming increasingly worse, it’s never too early to ask their pediatrician for advice or for a referral to a therapist who can help to address a problem in its early stages.
       

Honestly, I don’t feel badly when my children behave well for others. When I’m told that my children have been well-behaved and used their manners while staying at friend’s home or with their grandparents, I’m very proud of them. I was raised by parents who always said that we should behave at another person’s home well enough to be invited back for another visit, and my husband and I have taught our children the same.

The above article was submitted to Romper on 3/13/19 for story contributions of “What can moms do to get better behavior out of their kids who behave better for others?”

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Chores! Everybody pitches in.

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In a family as large as ours, it’s vital that each member pulls his or her own weight from an early age if we’re all to maintain sanity in our household. As early as toddlerhood, each child was taught how to put his toys in the toy boxes before bed time and to bring her dirty laundry to our laundry room baskets. Preschool children learned how to fold dish towels and bath towels (because there are ALWAYS clean baskets of those waiting to be folded), as well as removing and remaking bed sheets each week. I used to do it all myself, but in time I learned that in allowing them to do it themselves, despite the crooked sheets, they improved with practice!

If you contribute to the mess-making, you’re gonna contribute to the clean-up

As each child grows, more responsibilities are given. After arriving home from school, there is no snack or play time until all backpacks are emptied, homework is placed on our dining room table to be done, and lunchboxes are put where they belong.
       Our three girls share a bathroom and our three boys share another … and all are responsible to keep them clean … every. single. day. Our three boys share our garbage and recycling products duties which includes rolling out the bins for pick-up days. In turn, our three girls are responsible for sweeping/mopping our downstairs, high-traffic floors.
        By the age of 11 each began to share the kitchen clean-up duties as noted on a written chart on our kitchen bulletin board. Next to it is a large white board entitled “SCHEDULE” where each family member is required to mark his or her weekly schedule including school classes, after-school jobs, extracurricular activities and social activities. Updating this schedule chart is part of each child’s responsibilities because unmarked changes cause chaos!
        By the start of college, each of our children is required to take care of his or her own personal laundry, but must contribute to the towel/linen folding and putting-away duties.
        My husband and I were raised to contribute to our family chores, and I’ve noticed that over the years of strict compliance to our duty roster, each of our children has come to appreciate living in a fairly well-kept, well-running home.
        Do chores get neglected? Of course, occasionally, and is usually due to some unexpected conflict, or a teenager’s negative attitude, but our home continues to stand and run in a fairly smooth fashion.
        Today, our twin girls are now 24 (each will or has recently moved out), our middle set of boy/girl twins are 19, and our youngest set (boys) are now 11. Over all, our kids have learned how to juggle their home chores with schoolwork, jobs and social activities … all of which are good life lessons needed to bring them into responsible adult life, a reality that comes all too quickly!

Our three girls share a bathroom and our three boys share another … and all are responsible to keep them clean … every. single. day. Our three boys share our garbage and recycling products duties which includes rolling out the bins for pick-up days. In turn, our three girls are responsible for sweeping/mopping our downstairs, high-traffic floors.
        By the age of 11 each began to share the kitchen clean-up duties as noted on a written chart on our kitchen bulletin board. Next to it is a large white board entitled “SCHEDULE” where each family member is required to mark his or her weekly schedule including school classes, after-school jobs, extracurricular activities and social activities. Updating this schedule chart is part of each child’s responsibilities because unmarked changes cause chaos!
        By the start of college, each of our children is required to take care of his or her own personal laundry, but must contribute to the towel/linen folding and putting-away duties.
        My husband and I were raised to contribute to our family chores, and I’ve noticed that over the years of strict compliance to our duty roster, each of our children has come to appreciate living in a fairly well-kept, well-running home.
        Do chores get neglected? Of course, occasionally, and is usually due to some unexpected conflict, or a teenager’s negative attitude, but our home continues to stand and run in a fairly smooth fashion.
        Today, our twin girls are now 24 (each will or has recently moved out), our middle set of boy/girl twins are 19, and our youngest set (boys) are now 11. Over all, our kids have learned how to juggle their home chores with schoolwork, jobs and social activities … all of which are good life lessons needed to bring them into responsible adult life, a reality that comes all too quickly!

The above article was submitted to the Epoch Times on 2/20/19 for story contributions of “Do you encouraging your children to participate in household duties?”

Our Best Attempt at Organization

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“Fran, how in the world do you stay organized in your house with young adults, teenagers and eleven-year-olds all constantly going in different directions?” I was asked this question recently. To answer her question, I had to stop and think because it really wasn’t an event that happened overnight, but rather a progression of trials and errors that eventually became law in our home because of a need to maintain sanity and some level of order.

When the kids were all much younger, we had very busy schedules to keep on top of, but back then, I had more knowledge and dare-I-say “control” over what everyone did, where they went, and when. I just had to keep myself organized, I suppose.

Today, we have two 24-year-olds who still, although for not much longer, live at home. We also have two 19-year-olds who are also home and currently attending local universities to save lots of money by commuting to school as opposed to having housing and meal plans as part of their college semester costs. Our older girls went to out-of-town universities for a year or so each, and it had cost seriously $$$! They both transferred from different schools to different local schools eventually so they could save money while completing their degrees. And with our youngest boys being eleven years old, they’re a bit easier still.

Actual photo of my family coming and going. (Just kidding: photo credit https://www.geofflawrence.com/motion_blur.html

So, while we have a blur of people coming and going constantly, we have lots of chores to be kept up with, and we do not have a hired cleaning service.

Each member of our large family has to pull his or her weight, which means each must pitch in with cleaning, laundry, kitchen duty, etc.

And with six drivers and four vehicles, we have to sacrifice, compromise and get creative while sharing cars.

Knowing each other’s schedules is a MUST

For practical and safety reasons, it’s imperative that I know where everyone is and what each has planned during the upcoming week. We started with a tear-off calendar, but then moved on to a reusable, erasable white board.

Because each night needs an evening meal, I insist that each of the older kids communicate their evening plans so that I don’t cook for eight and have four or ten show up for dinner. In addition to each person’s work/ school/social schedule, they must note a (D) at the bottom of each day to indicate whether or not he or she is planning to be home or bring a friend for dinner that night.

EVERYONE must pitch in

Laundry is never done and can, at times, be overwhelming if not kept up with. Whereas Bruce and I used to sit up late each night folding baby, toddler and children’s clothing and linens, now with six able-bodied people who have helped to create the tons of laundry that circulates our laundry room, those same people are required to participate in the washing, drying, folding and putting away that same laundry.

When our eldest girls went off to college, their habits of doing their own laundry loads began. So at age 18, each of the four older kids were carefully instructed in the finer skills of taking care of her and his own clothing. When the girls returned home, their responsibilities continue. Now Erin and Brandon have begun this task among their other college responsibilities. In addition to their clothing, they’re also responsible to changing and washing their own bedding and making their own beds. I, of course, will continue to take care of our youngest set’s laundry through their completion of high school.

Bath and kitchen towels, however, become part of the general laundry detail that Bruce and I maintain, but each of the six kids take turns folding and putting them away, which include pool/beach towels when the weather is warm. Each learned how to properly fold towels at age 8 or 9, and become proficient very quickly.

Our three daughters share a bathroom, and they are responsible for the care and upkeep of that bathroom. The only time that I clean their bathroom is prior to house guests’ arrival because that particular bathroom is the guest room next to Kathryn’s room, the guest room (the one kid room which contains a queen sized bed). As for the three boys’ bathroom, Brandon is required to keep their bathroom clean, a requirement not always filled. However, we keep “encouraging” the boys and the girls to keep their bathrooms clean. I make sure that our two additional downstairs bathrooms are maintained.

No maid service here

I don’t (well, I no longer) clean the kids’ rooms. Yes, I used to. Yes, I used to sit and spend entire Saturdays cleaning and reorganizing our children’s closets and dresser drawers every so often. For many years, our children’s rooms were under my control. I gave that up four years ago when I began going to school while working outside of our home full time. Not only did I believe that each kid had the full ability to take over this task and so should, I was just too tired and had too little time to continue this role. These days, each kiddo must keep his or her room cleaned up. If too many days go by without a cleaned up room, that kid or kids lose his or her room for 2 days and must sleep without the comfort and privacy of their room by sleeping in a sleeping bag on the loft floor. Then they must clean their room if they want it back.

Sweeping, vacuuming, dusting and overall tidying up is everyone’s responsibility. Kitchen clean up is shared equally and each person’s “daytime” and “nighttime” dishes duty is displayed right next to our whiteboard schedule.

The kitchen clean up duties roster is “written in stone” after it is agreed upon at the beginning of each school semester so that it aligns with each kid’s schedule. If one cannot clean the kitchen for some reason, it is that person’s responsibility to find a replacement or to make a trade. The only exception to this rule is if the scheduled person is ill or if it falls during final exams week. And by cleaning the kitchen, I mean the person on duty is to completely cleaning the kitchen, including unloading/loading the dishwasher, refrigerating leftover food, washing/drying the pots/pans, and putting away any cooking and cleaning items. The counters and table are wiped down, the floor is swept, and the lights are turned out. Anything less, and that person is brought back in to finish the job correctly.

Curfew, another MUST

My grandfather used to say: “As long as you are living under my roof, you will follow my rules.” As a parent of older kids now, I can really understand the value and importance of his rule. When my girls were away at school, I really never knew when they got back to their dorm room or apartment. When they were in high school and started to drive or be driven by friends, I briefly used one of the phone apps that would track their locations. However, when they reached ages 17 and 18, it was time for me to let them know that I trusted them. Basically, no one ever gave us a reason not to trust, so we decided to slowly begin to give them more independence. Obviously, when the girls headed off to college out of town, we simply had to trust their judgment and allow them to make the same misjudgments/mistakes that we made when we went away to college. Keeping in touch via text, message and phone calls has been enough to keep us safely in touch.

However, each still lives under our roof today, and because we require that our home be safely secure by 1 am, that is the weekend curfew time, unless the event is special, for instance, prom night. If anyone will be a little bit late, he or she must text and let us know what’s going on. Once they’re home, they must please let us know, and to make sure that our home is locked up and secure.

I’m sure I’m not revealing any profound, unique or genius ideas for keeping a large family organized and responsible, but it’s what and how we do it. It’s never perfect, and there is often a conflict or issue to resolve, but hopefully this article has been helpful in some way to you!

Blessings ~

 

 

 

When It’s Time for a Change (and I’m not talking about your baby’s wet diaper)

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“Fran, how and why do you do all that you do?” Here is a question I get a lot. So let me go back to the beginning and explain how I got here.

While pursuing my college degree in Graphic Design, I was active in musical theater. By the time I was married a few years, I’d worked my way up to associate art director with a suburban Washington, DC advertising agency, and then to lead designer with the publications/presentations department of a large computer corporation. This was my day job back then, while my side gig was singing backup and lead vocals in a local rock band.

Then I had my first set of twins in Dec of 1994.

I was very happy to continue my career and contribute to our family income while working from my home office on a freelance basis during the years my husband and I raised our first, then second, and then third set of twins between 1995 and 2013. In 2009 I wrote and published: TWINS x3, a book in which I shared the roller coaster life I was leading as the mom of three sets of twins. Shortly after the book was released, I began a mommy blog (the blog you’re reading now) to support parents of multiples based on my own experiences and to help promote my book. Although I had never lost my love for singing, music and performing, the time was simply never right to get back into it because I was so busy with my work and children. I was beginning to accept that this part of me had ended.

In 2014, my right shoulder was severely injured which resulted in two separate surgeries and long courses of physical and massage therapies. Because my healing process was long and difficult, but ultimately successful, I was very grateful and desired to “pay it forward”. With my husband’s support, I went back to school at night while continuing to work part-time during the day and caring for my family. In August of 2016 I completed my courses, sat for the state health department board exam, and became a Licensed Clinical Massage Therapist. I then began working with the physical therapy department of a Primary Care Physicians office.


In the summer of 2017, with my youngest set of twins now approaching the age of 10, it struck me that perhaps, just maybe, I could investigate options for singing professionally part-time again. My desire to live this part of me just couldn’t be held in any longer. The kids were all growing up, and maybe it wasn’t too late to start again. At a local studio, I recorded some cover demo songs in order to market myself, designed and created a music website, posted on social media, and received overwhelmingly positive feedback. After an incredible turn of events, I found myself singing backup vocals with a long-time professional singer on a New York City stage in October 2017. In 2018 I planned, promoted and produced a July performance in my hometown of Jacksonville where the NYC singer and I performed together. Meanwhile, I wrote song lyrics and began working and recording with a local composer/arranger. In November of 2018, we independently produced and released my first album of original songs, and today this music can be found on most music streaming sites. The album’s title song is called “You Always Were” which is a song I wrote about how music has always been a part of me, and how happy I am that it’s back in my life. I continue to work part-time as a clinical massage therapist.

I’ve been asked over the years if I would write another book. Instead, I recently decided to update my book TWINS x3 so I could fill in my readers on what has happened these last 10 years with myself, my husband and our six amazing children. The 10-year-Anniverary, 2019 Edition of TWINS x3 is out now!

The above article was submitted to Women’s Health Magazine on 1/30/19 for story contributions to “Women in the U.S.: What triggered your career change(s)?”

As a Mom of Twins, Are You Feeling Personally Fulfilled?

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If you ask any mom today, especially a mom of twins or more, if she is feeling personally fulfilled with her daily life, she may say “absolutely”! Another may answer that she is not. Ask another mom this question the morning following a sleepless night up with sick kids, and she may tell you … to bite her.

When my first set of twins were six months old, my husband Bruce and I moved away from Northern Virginia just outside of Washington DC, where we had lived and built our careers for nine years. We relocated, for reasons that included getting out of the crazy traffic of the Capital Beltway, as well as the desire to be closer to both of our families, and found ourselves in Gainesville, Florida. This particular city became our new home because Bruce received the best employment offer from a growing architectural firm there out of the several companies where he’d sent resumes in the various areas we’d considered relocating to.

Though we were now closer to our families, we were not, however, in the same towns. In fact, we were still two hours by car from my parents, and ten hours from Bruce’s family.

When the boxes were unpacked and we were finally settled into our two bedroom apartment, a particular realization of loneliness, isolation and culture shock descended upon me. My former life as a wife and professional no longer existed, and not only did we leave our home, city, jobs, activities, the band I performed in, our friends and everything else familiar to us for the previous nine years, but I was now a full-time mother of two babies, and  …. well, that now summed up my life.

Keeping constantly connected to friends in on a daily basis in 1995 wasn’t as easy as it is today. Back then, the internet was just developing, and Mark Zuckerberg was only 11 years old. I kept in touch with my long-distance friends and family by phone, and was grateful when Bruce came home from work in the evenings.

I loved my baby girls very much, and they kept me very busy. Between feedings I took them up to our apartment pool to swim, and for stroller walks around our complex, to the grocery store, the mall, and to a nearby park where a beautiful lake was surrounded by a paved strolling/jogging path. I still, however, felt separated and detached. Although I loved my life as a mom, especially after wanting to become a mom for so long, I missed my job, my music … my old life. I missed enjoying my lunch hour with coworkers and friends, being challenged by projects at work, band rehearsals and gigs, and needless to say, sleeping uninterrupted each night (but that’s another topic)!

I took the advice of friends who were also moms and decided to contact the local twins club there in Gainesville so I could connect with other moms of twins. I also joined the Parents of Preschoolers group at our new church. Interacting with other women who were experiencing similar circumstances, or who were just wanting to form friendships, was the key for me to no longer feel alone and isolated.

One area was still lacking for me, however. By the time my girls were about 18 months old and no longer breastfeeding, I contacted the creative department head who had been my boss in the corporation I worked for up in DC. We had discussed my freelancing for her before we had moved away, and I was now ready to work again. Granted, it would only be very part-time because my hands were very full with my toddlers, but I was ready to work, if only on a very part-time basis.

Once I began to propose layouts and designs again, and receive rewarding feedback, I felt my self-confidence sky rocket. I had regained my ability to contribute my skills, talents and experience back into the career that I loved and had worked hard to build. I was an exhausted, fulfilled, busy but very happy mom. Singing with my favorite CDs while working in our home office helped to satisfy that need in me as well. The paycheck that arrived every two weeks only added to the benefits of self esteem and growing self-worth. I was, of course, needed by my husband and my children, but knowing I was also needed in a professional capacity was enormously rewarding and fulfilling.

 

My advice to mom of twins who desire personal fulfillment:

1) Realize that now as a mom, your life has now forever changed … but it can be better and more fulfilling than you ever imagined!

2) Count your blessings each day (your beautiful, healthy children, your supportive husband, the baby weight slowly coming off) because “a thankful heart is a happy heart” (yeah, I got that from a Veggie Tales song!)

3) Become involved in activities, organizations, clubs, church, and any other enjoyable activity where friendly human interaction is central to your involvement.

5) Take good care of yourself … don’t neglect your own needs such as exercise, wellness check-ups, quiet alone time, and regular salon/spa visits.

4) Hire a babysitter on a regular basis so you and your husband can go out and place “being parents” on temporary hold, and feel like “a couple” for a few hours.

5) Re-connect with your former career and passion or find a new one! My best advice is to find a way to work from home so that placing your children in day care or preschool too early isn’t an added expense for you, or time away from your children. (REMEMBER: they grow up SOOOOO fast!)

And so to this day, two more sets of twins later, I’ve continued to enjoy my fulfilling life as a mom of now six children in addition to being now a medical massage therapist working with a physical therapy team. I also relaunched a very fulfilling music career. I had been a vocalist in an alternative rock band in the Washington, DC area, quitting only when I was completely sick with early pregnancy nausea with my first set of twins. And NOW I’M BACK doing what I ABSOLUTELY LOVE now that my youngest set of twins are now TEN! My life is busy, productive, and I’m so thankful and happy. I’m also very proud to be  a strong role model for my children, especially my three daughters.

If you’re like me, being able to stay involved with enjoyable activities, being available and flexible to plan my days around my children’s busy schedules, AND still being able to maintain your professional skills and passions can prove to give you a very rewarding life!

Being a Mom Makes You A Natural Problem Solver!

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WE ALL DO IT …

As soon as our heads hit the pillow after we turn off the lights, we take a deep cleansing breath and close our eyes. While we recount the day’s events with snapshot images pulsing in and out of our mind’s eye, we inwardly laugh about a clever comment one of children made, or we wonder how a friend that’s struggling with personal problem is doing, and we wish we hadn’t eaten those four Oreo cookies after the dinner dishes were done.

We also begin to think about the bigger things that revisit our minds each night, such as: “I’ve got to succeed at finally potty-training my youngest son”, or “it’s time to bring the car back in for maintenance work and it needs new tires before winter arrives”, and “we’ve got to start saving more for college tuition because high school is right around the corner!”

As our minds attempt to visualize the end result of our goals, we consciously and subconsciously formulate plans, create strategies, and make commitments to achieve those important objectives for ourselves and our families. Sometimes expressing these wishes to someone else, or physically writing them down on paper, make them all the more real and official.

As a woman, wife, and mother, what are some of the goals you’d like to achieve now or in the near future?

What elements in your life are keeping you from achieving your goals?

What specific obstacles are preventing you from living the life or lifestyle you want today, or are limiting your dreams for the future?

• Are you frustrated while trying to lose substantial weight?

Has the extra “baby” weight you’ve been carrying around been plaguing you with thoughts like, “I just gotta figure out how to lose it”, or “I’ll start that diet plan tomorrow”, or “Did my last attempt not work because of my lack of full commitment?”

• Are you worried about one or more of your children?

Do you worry about a slow weight-gaining baby?

Are you having difficulties with breastfeeding (low milk production, plugged milk ducts, or latching problems)?

Do you have a child who is doing poorly in school or is demonstrating a behavioral problem? Are you trying to find the source of his or her challenges?

Does your heart break as you watch your child struggle wishing you could snap your fingers and solve whatever the problem is?

• Are you experiencing financial worry?

Are you struggling to pay your mortgage or rent each month?

Are you putting off home repairs or renovations because there are more urgent issues eating up your household funds?

Are you considering placing your children in day care or after school care so you can go back to working full-time outside of the house to help pay bills?

Are your credit card balances and other debts getting out of control?

• Are you experiencing difficulties in your marriage?

Are the stresses of parenthood with its physical, mental, emotional and financial demands putting stress and strains on the relationship with your spouse?

Are you both so depleted and exhausted by the end of the day that there is no longer time, energy or desire to personally connect?

Are moments of intimacy very few and far between?

You alone know your deepest worries and hopes for finding solutions.

 

Everyone at one point will experience one or more of the above scenarios as parents in today’s fast-paced, demanding world. As women, and specifically as mothers, we begin solving problems simply by virtue of our nurturing nature. We instinctively comfort, protect and sincerely desire the happiness of those that we love. As mothers first calm and soothe a fussy newborn, it is ingrained in us to find the cause of sadness, discomfort or pain, and make it “all better”.

So, if we instinctively know if and when our child needs our help with a problem, we also instinctively know when it’s time to help ourselves. We know that the time has arrived for action on our part to better a situation that is becoming increasingly worse.

How do we do it? Our natural abilities to SOLVE, to FIND an ANSWER, to BETTER our situation kick in when we come to the point where we cannot endure the present challenging situation, as it stands, any longer.

It is amazing how true the saying is: WHERE THERE’S A WILL, THERE’S A WAY.

If you are struggling with a problem, or if there’s just something you want to achieve, a passion you can’t figure out how to pursue, then get up and find a solution. Dig down into your very heart and soul, commit to finding a way …

AND MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Believe it or not, the answer is within your reach.

Success in any endeavor is yours for the taking.

You have the power to tap into the powers of your own mind, will power, sense of commitment and resolve. Look at me. I’ve had and am raising six children, work as a medical massage therapist, am a published author and blogger AND am living my dream as a singer/songwriter/performer/recording artist. Wow.

IF I CAN DO THIS, THEN YOU CAN FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS AND MAKE THEM COME TRUE, TOO

As Napoleon Hill, author of “Think and Grow Rich” writes: Whatever the Mind can CONCEIVE, and BELIEVE, it can ACHIEVE.

Blessings ~

 

 

Twin Mothers Supporting and Empowering Each Other

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Each day, I visit several facebook group pages and blogs because not only do I sincerely enjoy connecting to, relating to, and sharing with virtually thousands of wonderful women with whom I have the common experience of motherhood, but also because it strengthens my convictions to pay forward the wisdom and knowledge I have been given through my own personal experiences. As women first and mothers second, we relate to each other’s pain, frustration, fear, hope, fatigue, and excitement, and we share our many occasions for celebration.

Although tangibly connected by the internet, there are emotional bonding moments that occur when the act of understanding form deep connections. We reach out to one another to help calm fears, to encourage, and to assure while sharing and celebrating in the joys, and while mourning in the times of loss and sorrow. We share the common bond and experiences together as mothers of multiples. Some of us are moms of multiple multiples!

When a woman posts a question or concern, say for instance, about her high-risk pregnancy, upcoming delivery, or sending twins off to school (from kindergarten to college), I’ve witness tremendous, generous support and assurance in the warm and sometimes humorous comments that are posted beneath the question. Some of the conversations go on for days, and include 40-50 comments. When the inquiring mom or mom-to-be thanks all of her advice-givers and cheerleaders, I know she means it. I know she’s just received some solid advice and information that she can trust because her supporters have BEEN THERE. They have walked 100 miles in her shoes, and she knows it. The inquiring woman is affirmed and empowered knowing that she can trust and act upon (most of) the advice of these trusted sources.

As for the many commentators — those women who encourage and support with their tips, ideas and suggestions —they are also on a receiving end. Knowing that she’s been able to contribute some nugget of wisdom that she’s acquired from their own experiences, and has personally contributed to the peace of mind and support of another, she feels affirmed and blessed. Obviously there are the “know-it-alls”, the “critics”, the “haters” and the “my-way-or-the-highway” contributors … readers need to take or leave these types of  comments, and if the choice is to leave them, it’s important to just let them roll off. I’ve seen for the most part, however, that positive, encouraging, loving, giving contributions are in the majority.

We all know the saying: ’Tis better to give than to receive. It’s so true.

In giving, we receive a boost of self-worth because the advice or suggestion we have to contribute is received as valuable and will be put to use by the woman who needed to hear (or read) those particular words of wisdom we shared. As women, we have a strong desire and capability to nurture not only our families, but others who we may sense need nurturing. When we receive the nurturing and support, we are strengthened and comforted by knowing we are understood and we are going to be okay.

Assisting, calming or encouraging just one woman as she goes through the overwhelming experience of having and mothering her twins, blesses me tremendously, and is a very empowering experience.

Women helping women … it’s been going on for centuries.

Long before babies were born in hospitals, women were the only attendees and assistants present during childbirth. For centuries, women worked to prepare meals while passing on their skills to their younger female generations. Women naturally love to talk, to share, to commiserate, to vent, to laugh, and to confide.

Does sharing your wisdom and experiences give you a sense of self-worth, of confidence, of empowerment?

What experiences, knowledge or aspects of your life that have given you peace of mind or resolution could you share with another woman or mother who may be experiencing difficulty? Has a female friend or relative in your life reached out to you in a subliminal way, conveying a need, a desire, or the hope that difficulties won’t last forever … that a solution will present itself some how?

We’re here to support and help one another. It’s just what women do.

I think of the devotion between Ruth and Naomi in the Bible. For those who are not familiar, Ruth was Naomi’s daughter-in-law who had lost her husband (Naomi’s son). Through all the trials and travels the two women experienced, Ruth remained loyal and devoted to the service of Naomi, stating in Ruth 1:16: “… Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God.”

Blessings ~

MOMS: Show Your Children What GIVING Means

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Thanksgiving is this Thursday, so it’s official: The holiday season, with all of its hustle, bustle, shopping, cooking, baking and preparing to travel or receive house guests, has arrived once again! yay.

We all know it’s a time to stop, count and celebrate our blessings, BUT so many of us get caught up for weeks trying buy the right gifts, decorate our houses inside and out, and attend or host parties, only to collapse each night exhausted from the often self-imposed extra work and stress.

Instead of getting so wrapped up on our tasks that we forget to focus enough on the important things, why don’t we make a committed effort to slow down our pace and instead of giving physical gifts, let’s focus on really giving of ourselves, you know, the kind of giving that enters another person’s heart and soul, the kind of giving that can change and improve a person’s day or even their life!

 

Be a GIVING role model for your children:

•  Spontaneously offer to pick up some groceries for a busy neighbor while you’re the grocery store.

•  Instead of putting gift cards or money in your Christmas cards, take 5 minutes to thoughtfully note the character traits you most admire and value about that friend or family member, then tell him/her how important he or she is in your life. If the card is addressed to a couple or an entire family, write down a favorite memory you all shared and tell them how much it meant to you and your family.

•  Spend one whole day or an entire afternoon with each of your children. Individually (separate those twins), go to lunch and have a conversation centered around that child’s world … his interests; a boy she likes; his hopes to make the soccer team; her dreams to become a professional dancer or a veterinarian! Make the day about your child. In a few years, he will remember that day and your focus on him more than the new video game he got from you this Christmas.

•  Ask your close friends if there is ANYTHING that you could possibly do for them during this busy time. Could you take their kids for the day so they could do some Christmas shopping or go to the post office without their kids in tow? Could you drop off a fresh-from-the-market rotisserie chicken and some deli potato salad at a busy friend’s home while they are cleaning and preparing for a house-full of guests arriving the next day?

•  Place a Christmas card or a thank you note in your mailbox to let your mail carrier know that you appreciate their hard work during this extra busy workload time for them.

Can we really make a difference?

Are there any people in your life that you know are struggling? Are they facing personal relationship or financial challenges? Are they strained and worried with the additional stress that the holidays can place on them?

Take a moment to list a few people who really could use some encouraging words, some uplifting, some understanding and the assurance that you are there for them no matter what. We all have been, or will be at some point in our lives, in need of some help that we didn’t want to ask for. For now, be that person who acts without having to be asked.

If you’re in a position to help someone … the act of giving of your time, resources, advice or just a listening ear could be what it takes to provide the spring board needed to launch this person’s world out of struggle and into hope.

… and in doing so, your giving-of-yourself will be the best gift you can give yourself, and be very aware that your children are watching.

Blessings ~

Breast Feeding Twins: Developing a Healthy Milk Supply

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Congratulations on your Decision to Breast Feed your Twins!

You’ve made a wise decision because there is no better, complete nutrition than your own breast milk, custom-created by your body, specifically and tailor-made just for your babies.

 

Of course, there are reasons that exist that may cause you to choose formula-feeding over breastfeeding. There may be medical, health or medication factors; long-term, unplanned separation from your babies; or simply that you prefer to formula-feed. It’s completely your choice! However, if your decision to formula-feed is based on a fear that you won’t be able to successfully breastfeed two babies, or because you’re concerned that you will not be able to develop and maintain enough of a milk supply to adequately nourish your babies for healthy growth and development, then please read on for some valuable, reassuring information and tips that may ensure your breastfeeding success!

 

On occasion, there are women whose bodies simply don’t produce an adequate milk supply (even for one baby), regardless of consistent and varied efforts. The reasons for this condition are varied, but it is fairly rare for a woman to give birth and not be able to produce (and grow) a milk supply sufficient for her baby(ies).

 

Sometimes, a baby may be unable to breastfeed due to, for example, prematurity; a birth defect of the mouth (such as a cleft palette); a lack of a strong suck reflex, etc., and no matter how much effort is made to encourage breastfeeding, baby simply must be fed via bottle or even tube-fed in order to ensure proper nutrition. If the inability to nurse is due to a baby-related issue, some moms choose to pump their breast milk and bottle feed for anywhere from a couple of weeks to over a year in order to ensure that their baby still is fed their milk.

 

In most mother/baby situations, however, the vast majority of women will naturally begin to lactate (produce milk) as the next natural step in their child-bearing process, the baby will quickly learn the correct method for latching and feeding, and with enough guidance, support, and patience, combined with healthy doses of desire, commitment, and perseverance, they will together become very successful and happy breastfeeding couples (or, with twins: trios!).

 

If you desire to successfully breastfeed your twins, your success is more than possible … it’s quite probable!

 

If, however, you’ve tried, met with challenges, and simply decided to bottle-feed with formula (or to pump and bottle feed with breast milk), know that all options are fine because you’re successfully caring for your baby(ies) just the same.

 

When and Why the Lactation Process Begins

Lactation (breast milk production) is caused and controlled by the hormones prolactin and oxytocin. Prolactin stimulates milk production and oxytocin controls the milk ejection reflex, also referred to as the “let down” from the mammary glands of the breast. Breastfeeding immediately after birth causes oxytocin to stimulate the uterus to contract down to its smaller, pre-pregnant size, and is believed to help reduce delivery blood loss. This process is extremely important and emphasizes how breastfeeding is a necessary function for mothers.

 

Prolactin increases during pregnancy but the high levels of the hormones estrogen and progesterone prevent any milk production. After birth, the levels of estrogen and progesterone drop, allowing the prolactin to begin milk production. Prolactin also decreases after childbirth, but is released with each breastfeeding as the nipple stimulation signals the brain. In the brain, the hypothalamus triggers the pituitary gland to release more prolactin as the mother continues feeding. If a mother ceases to feed or never puts her baby to the breast for more than a few days, her prolactin will drop so low that she is unable to produce milk.

 

Newborns have a strong, instinctive impulse to feed at the breast as well. The baby is born with a sucking and rooting (the act of searching for the breast with his mouth) reflex and the ability to smell his mother. The baby is drawn to the mother and her nipples by its strong sense of smell, and can distinguish his mother from any other mother.

 

Keep this in mind, too: Breastfeeding is a natural function but is not necessarily a natural instinct for mothers. As opposed to the sheep that gives birth in the pasture, we humans need to be taught and encouraged.

Your first milk

Immediately after birth, and up until 24-36 hours, your breasts will secrete colostrum, also called “first milk”. Because your babies have been fed continuously in utero, they will not be “hungry” in the way we perceive hunger. Because babies are born with an enormously strong need to suck (in fact, the jaw and mouth muscles are the strongest in the body at this time), she will immediately root for the breast as soon as he or she is placed in your arms. With the initial and consistent nipple stimulation, your colostrum will let down. Colostrum is yellow-orange in color, is thick in consistency, and is loaded with antibodies to fortify baby’s immune system, protein, nutrients and calories (but low in fat so as easy to digest). Colostrum is created in small, concentrated amounts for the baby’s first few days.

When your milk comes in …

By approximately the third day following birth, your milk will come in, and you may experience breast fullness and/or a level of engorgement. When milk begins to be produced, the mammary glands will fill and may cause some breast tissue swelling. Your breasts may become larger and swell. They may feel extra warm, heavy and hard. The best method for relieving breast engorgement is to breastfeed and allow the baby to drain each breast completely, as often as needed. If the swelling and hardness persist between feedings, cold compresses (such as ziplock bags of crushed ice or bags of small cut or cubed frozen vegetables) work well to wrap around the breast and reduce swelling.

 

Following swelling reduction, some further breast pumping may be necessary. Prior to pumping or breastfeeding, apply hot compresses (as hot as you can tolerate) to relax pectoral muscles, encourage milk flow and complete drainage. Gel packs made especially for breastfeeding moms can be either stored in the freezer and also heated in the microwave (for about 30 seconds on HIGH). Hold the hot compresses over your breast as baby nurses, and the combination of heat and sucking will pull the milk out, and allow the swelling to subside. Massage the breast while breastfeeding with strokes originating from the collar bone moving toward the nipple. Engorgement may occur once or twice when your milk first comes in.

 

Building and Maintaining your Precious Milk Supply

Always remember that when building up your milk supply, it’s best to consider the simple law of supply and demand. The more you breastfeed or pump (and in the process completely drain each breast), the more milk you will produce. You and your baby will truly develop a mutually-benefiting, mutually-bonding relationship. You’ll need your baby to nurse as much as your baby will need to nurse!

 

It is very, very important to DRINK a LOT of water (or other fluids such as decaf tea, juice, etc.), a minimum of 10 oz, once per hour, around the clock … and the more, the better! Also, get as much rest as possible to conserve calories. Moms will often notice fuller breasts upon waking than if engaging in an activity between feedings. Too much physical activity (jogging, working out, etc.) while breastfeeding may adversely effect your milk supply. Also, taking antihistamines which can “dry up” your runny nose or sinuses, can also decrease your milk supply.

 

The most recommended amount of time span between feedings, especially when you’re just beginning, is between 2-1/2 to 3 hours. This amount of time starts from the beginning of one feeding to the beginning of the next, and continues around the clock. Eventually, as baby grows, gains strength and longer feeding endurance, a longer interval (for instance, a 4-5 hour interval once during the night) may become routine. Some moms prefer to nurse on demand and not watch the clock, while others prefer to establish a routine.

 

Nourish Yourself: Remember what YOU eat is what YOUR BABIES will eat

Choosing what you eat and what you don’t eat is so important, before pregnancy, during pregnancy and after pregnancy. You must be mindful of the foods you put in your body. There may have been a time when eating left over pepperoni pizza for breakfast, drinking diet cola or other high-caffeine sodas all day long, and greasy cheeseburgers for dinner worked for you (or so you thought) at one time, but now that you’re a mom, EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT. You’re completely responsible for the health, wellness and future growth and development of your babies! I’m not saying that an occasional slice of cheese cake or a lean burger now and then isn’t just fine, but NOW IS THE TIME that you learn the importance of proper, complete nutrition, because it’s just about you anymore.

 

A typical feeding

When a breastfeeding begins, the first let down brings watery, thirst-quenching milk so to satisfy babies initial thirst. He will nurse and pull this milk from each breast. With twins, tandem nursing will allow both babies to become fed together. After a few minutes, a thicker milk will be let down. The “let down” reflex may or may not be felt. If felt, the sensation is described as a tightness which begins on the upper parts of each breast, and when the tightness releases, a tingling sensation flows down the breasts to the nipples and milk begins to flow. The last let down during a breastfeeding, which may last approximately 15 minutes per breast, or 20-30 minutes tandem feeding two babies, contains the rich, creamy hind milk, loaded with calories, protein and nutrients … which causes the baby to feel satisfied.

 

Although every three hours is the most common feeding schedule, some moms prefer closer feeding intervals depending on cues from her baby, but generally, nursing too often can lead to insufficient rich, hind milk production.

 

Always make sure to interrupt each feeding with a burp break. Burping will allow any swallowed air to come up, allow more milk into the tummy, and is also an effective break when baby becomes sleepy at the breast before finishing a complete feeding.

 

“But my baby still seems hungry!”

Some moms worry that their babies are “still hungry” following feedings. Nothing can cause more anxiety for a breastfeeding mother than if she believes that she’s not producing enough food for her baby(ies). It causes feelings of failure, inadequacy, doubt, frustration and fear that she is starving her child. Please know this: babies who seem to “act hungry” may also be simply exhibiting symptoms of gas, fullness, sleepiness, or any other discomfort. Remember, also, that newborns will always express through their mouth … appearing to exhibit hunger. A mother’s first reaction is to doubt herself, and because there is no visual gauge by which to measure how much milk her baby has received (i.e., seeing the formula amount decrease in the bottle), she begins to worry that she is not producing enough milk to adequately feed her baby(ies). Her next reaction is to find an alternate feeding source: a bottle of infant formula.

 

The best way to know if your baby is getting enough milk is to check for 5-6 wet (weighty-wet) diapers per day, with one or two dirty diapers. If you are still concerned or convinced that your baby is not receiving enough breast milk, the following are the practices and resources that have been proven effective:

 

1) Contact an IBCLC (an Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultant) in your local area. She may come to your home, or you may be required to bring your baby to her office. She will evaluate your baby’s overall health, and look for any signs of malnourishment or dehydration. She will assess your breastfeeding methods, and weigh the baby both before and after your feeding to gauge weight increase. She also will provide you with moral support (very valuable), and encouragement to continue … to not give up!

 

2) In addition to drinking as much water as possible, take two natural herbs called Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle (found in capsule or tea forms at local health food stores), taken in substantial doses (3 capsules of each before meals, 3 times per day) for approximately 3 days. Many mothers (including me) have had very positive results, experiencing a substantial increase in milk production.

 

3) While pumping when you’re away from your baby(ies): Look at pictures of your baby, and breathe in the baby aroma by smelling their jammies or little hats … these sensory cues and connections allow your milk to let down.

 

4) Occasional blocked ducts: From time to time throughout my months of breastfeeding each set of my twins, I would experience a “blocked milk duct” (also referred to as a “plugged lobe”). If left blocked, this situation can lead to mastitis, a breast infection that is very painful and requires antibiotics to completely resolve. Although my cases never resulted in mastitis thankfully, I did have to fight with these blocks. I knew I had one when my breast developed a “heavier than usual” feeling and led to pain and a firmness in that breast below the location where the blockage occurred. My tried and true remedy was to follow the same steps as I did with initial engorgement. I combined cold compresses before breastfeeding for 15 minutes, followed by warm compresses/breast massage while breastfeeding or pumping. On occasion, the plugged area would open in one feeding/pumping session. Sometimes it would take 2 to 3 feedings/pumpings before it was resolved. And let me tell you this: few things provided the kind of relief (physically and mentally) as the moment you knew a blockage OPENED!

Why would blockages occur? Some women experience them regularly, and some never experience even one! It may be simply an issue of anatomy … that channels in and out of a woman’s “duct work” are more narrow than another’s. With me, I knew if I waited too long to breastfeed or if I didn’t completely drain a breast, I could be asking for a blocked duct.

 

5) Other moms have lots of great advice as to what they specifically found effective. A nation-wide Facebook group of twin moms, while helping to support a brand new mom of twins named Bee who was struggling to keep up her milk supply, gave the following expert advice (and what better expert than a successful breastfeeding mother of twins):

 

Lynnette: “… the more liquid intake the more milk you will produce. Keep pumping after each feeding even if a little comes out. You want to drain the breast every time. Sometimes though some people just don’t produce enough.”

 

Tara: “Mine are 12 weeks, and I have to say it took me until they were 8 weeks for my supply to be enough. I had to supplement with 4-8 ounces at night for my own sanity. I think what did the trick is, I drink a ton of water, eat about a cup of oatmeal a day, pumped often and started to increase my protein intake through protein bars.”

 

Ariane: “There is a tea called Momma’s milk and there are also cookies out there that supposedly help produce. But I’d start with just pumping to stimulate them when babies aren’t on, even if nothing is produced, you’re encouraging milk production.”

 

Hillary: “Pumping is hard work, especially if you aren’t seeing results! But hang in there … it works!”

 

Brandi: “The lactation consultant told me the same thing everyone here is saying: pump after nursing even if you’re not getting much from it, you’re stimulating more production. Also she recommended the herbal supplements, I think they were called ‘More Mothers Milk’ or something like that. I am sooooo glad that I stuck it out … nursing is now easy and my babies are flourishing! I guess my best advice is don’t give up and try not to stress it too much, it will come in time. Also, I supplemented, just a little, with formula. Just like one bottle at bed time so that I know that they are going to bed full.”

 

Stefani: “Fenugreek worked wonders for me. Also eat lots of oatmeal, drink lots of water, and LOTS of nursing and pumping”

 

Karen: “Fenugreek and Mother’s milk tea at the health food store. LOTS of water. Oh, and when you thought you’d had enough water, have some more.”

 

Anna: “If your babies seems hungry – just put them back on. Stimulation is important to establishing demand. Hang in there – it’s tough and time consuming in the beginning but it will pay off!”

 

Meghan: “Hops! Odoul’s non-alcoholic beer is fairly hops-rich but the darker the better. If I had one dark “hoppy” beer after I fed them, and put them down for the night, I felt my milk increasing.”

 

 

My advice, as a mom who has breast fed three sets of twins (six completely different children), and who experienced the most enjoyable along with the most challenging aspects of breastfeeding: it’s not easy in the beginning and you may hit hurdles along the way, but with enough desire, strong commitment, support and perseverance, you will succeed at providing the most loving, giving, bonding method of nourishing your baby.

 

This gift that you give yourself and your baby will last a lifetime!

Blessings ~

A Mother’s Day Salute to Moms of Twins and ALL Moms!

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As a tribute to all moms, including moms of multiples, I wanted to do a little background research on the celebration of Mother’s Day and share it with you. What I didn’t realize was what a long, involved history Mother’s Day in fact has! Enjoy the following history lesson … because there will be a test. 😉

Rooted in religion and peace-restoration

Going back to the 17th century, the early Christians in England celebrated a day devoted to Mary, the Mother of Jesus, and eventually expanded to include all mothers calling it “Mothering Day”, honoring the mothers of England. As Christianity spread throughout Europe, the occasion changed to celebrate and honor “Mother Church”, who provided spiritual protection and was the source of spiritual birth. As time went on, all mothers were honored on Mothering Day as well, celebrated just before the holy feast of Easter.

Julia Ward Howe

When the American colonies were being settled, the English settlers all but forgot Mothering Day due to lack of time and attention. During the Civil War, a British American woman and social activist named Julia Ward Howe (who composed the lyrics to The Battle Hymn of the Republic) was horrified by the death and destruction of war and began a campaign to instill the British tradition of Mothering Day into American culture. She began a crusade against war, and put out an appeal to all women and mothers for peace. In 1872, she went to London to promote an international Women’s Peace Congress. She began promoting the idea of a “Mother’s Day for Peace” to be celebrated on June 2, honoring peace, motherhood and womanhood. Howe failed in her attempt to get the formal recognition of a Mother’s Day for Peace, but it became the precursor to our modern day Mother’s Day.

Ann Jarvis, The Mother of Mother’s Day

Influenced by Howe’s efforts to build awareness of the mothers’ role as peace and wellness provider in the family, an Appalachian homemaker named Ann Marie Reeves Jarvis began to spread the awareness of better home cleanliness and sanitation, having been influenced by her physician brother. In what she called Mother’s Friendship Day, she worked and led other women to help heal the nation in the years following the Civil War. As Jarvis’ health began to deteriorate, she was cared for her two daughters, Anna and her sister Elsinore. The two sisters devoted their lives to caring for their mother and continuing their mother’s cause following her death. In 1907, the two women helped to establish Mother’s Day as a nationally-recognized day to remember, celebrate and honor all mothers, living and dead.

Officially named “Mother’s Day”

On May 10, 1908, the first official Mother’s Day was celebrated in Grafton, West Virginia, where Jarvis and her daughters had lived, and where today stands the International Mother’s Day Shrine. The Mother’s Day International Association came into being on December 12, 1912, to promote and encourage meaningful observances of the event, and some states then began to officially declare Mother’s Day a holiday to fall on the second Sunday of May. In 1914 President Woodrow Wilson made the first official announcement proclaiming Mother’s Day a national holiday that was to be held each year on the 2nd Sunday of May.

Though the original spirit of honoring mothers remained the same, what began as a religious service expanded quickly into a more secular observance leading to giving of flowers, cards, and gifts. Although Ann Jarvis was pleased with the growing popularity of Mother’s Day before her death, she was very dismayed about the growing commercial focus of the occasion … including banners and flags to announce the upcoming day.

Mother’s Day is now celebrated not so much with flags anymore, but now with gifts, cards, hugs, thank you’s and other symbols of affection. The restaurant industry reports that Mother’s Day proves the most popular day for families to eat out! It is celebrated all over the world as a day to acknowledge all mothers and the contributions they made and continue to make in the lives of her children.

It’s all about being thankful

As a mom, and as a daughter, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter of a some very outstanding women, I look forward to Mother’s Day (in addition to most other days) in order to remind my mother, my mother-in-law and all the moms in my life how special, unique, loved and respected each one of them is. There was a time when I thought I’d never be a mother, so when this day comes around, I’m not only thankful for my mother, but also very thankful to be a mother.

How do you and your family celebrate Mother’s Day? Will you travel to spend the day with your own mother? Since we don’t live close to either my or my husband’s mom, we’ll be calling (or attempting to call) each Mother’s Day Sunday to talk and send our love and best wishes.

My family spoils me on Mother’s Day, not usually with eating out (since all the restaurants are just too crowded), but usually with homemade cards created out of construction paper and crayons, some potted flowers that we can plant in one of our flower beds, and a barbeque with all the fixings!

I truly admire all of you moms today because, as we all know, we wear so many hats, and are demanded in ways that women in past decades couldn’t even imagine. I wish all of you, especially all of my moms of twins friends, a beautiful Mother’s day full of relaxation, fun, laughter, hugs, kisses and the spoiling you deserve! Be thankful to your mother for the life and lessons she gave and continues to give you, … and be thankful that those precious children of yours will allow you to be the honorable recipient of love this Sunday!

For the complete Mother’s Day History story, please visit: http://www.theholidayspot.com/mothersday/history.htm

Happy, Blessed Mother’s Day!