I want to start out by saying again that we are just one family among millions touched by the effects of this serious pandemic. Because we are living it first-hand on a personal level, however, I feel strongly compelled to share the ongoing experience of our son Brandon’s illness.

During a text conversation with our next-door neighbor, Mary, she told me that she had seen Brandon walking to his car a few days ago. After he’d returned from his virus test appointment last Thursday (which came back negative), he’d parked along the curb in front of our mailbox, and we’d asked him to move his car into our driveway so it was no longer blocking our mail carrier’s access to our mailbox. Mary told me that when she saw him walking, she noticed his shoulders were hunched inward, his head was down, and he was moving very slowly. She expressed to me how much she hated to see him looking so defeated. She called out to him, “Brandon! Come on, stand up straight, pull your shoulders back, you’ve got this!”

He replied to her, “Yeah, I know, but it’s so hard.”

He had shown signs of improvement over this past week, and told me that up until three days ago, he was beginning to feel overall “a lot better”. However, then another dip occurred, one of those dips which we know now is typical for many people who have had this virus. And so we continue to encourage positive self-talk, prayer and patience. While feeling physically weak, and having a hard time enduring as time continues on, he’s also frightened. Doctors admit to being perplexed by the unfamiliarity and unpredictability of this virus. That fact really shakes Brandon’s confidence. I wish I could remove his access to the internet, but any attempts to pry the cell phone from the the fingers of my 20-year-old son, despite his weakened state, just would not end well.

Bruce (my rock) and I remind Brandon that although his recovery is slow right now, and that it seems an eternity since he first isolated himself to his bedroom, he is improving. He’s demonstrating a typical saw-tooth, upwardly-trending recovery. We also remind him that things could have gone in a completely different direction. He must stay positive (in mindset, of course, and not in test-result), and this will end soon. He is our miracle. The fact that none of the rest of us have contracted the virus is also a miracle.

So they say that when it rains it pours. Sadly, our daughter Kathryn and her fiancée, Jonathan have decided to postponed their wedding. As the two-month away mark approaches, and the pandemic situation only worsens, it was agreed by all that postponing would be the best decision. However, it was still an emotional, heart-wrenching, and heart-breaking decision for them to make. We do, however, look forward to celebrating with them when there is no longer the worry and threat of this uninvited viral guest, and when all can anticipate and participate in their big day with joy and excitement.

And because things tend to occur in 3’s, my right arm is currently wrapped in an immobilizing sling. My previously twice-dislocated, and twice-operated-upon right shoulder dislocated yet again last Sunday evening, and after two failed ER attempts to relocate it (ouch), I was put under general anesthesia, and it was finally relocated. A third surgery to stabilize this worn-out joint is not far off.

So, the first purpose of this post is to provide an update to everyone who has asked for one, and to ask each of you to please instill in anyone you know who may hold on to the belief that this virus is some sort of game or hoax, that it’s absolutely not. I won’t express my opinion of its WHY or HOW, but I will certainly testify to its reality and to its severity. If my very healthy son can be taken down this way, please consider the health of your family when you go out and socialize, or choose to vacation in Disney World right now.

We are planning for Sean and Benjamin to continue home-learning this fall.

The second and equally-important purpose of this post is to express once again our deepest, most heartfelt gratitude to everyone who has provided us with love, support, a flood of prayers (they are working!), and for the several dropped-off-dinners we’ve appreciated and have enjoyed immensely.

We don’t know how tomorrow will play out. When do we ever know? We do know, however, that God is in control if we allow his grace in our lives during the good and during the difficult. We also hold strong to our faith that in trusting God and in supporting, respecting and loving each other, we will all get through this.

PSA: If my 20-year-old, very fit, active, health-conscious son can become this sick with COVID-19, then everyone PLEASE PAY ATTENTION, including the teenagers and other young adults! This is not a game, this is not fake. Take this SERIOUSLY.

Thank you for checking back in with us. It’s truly incredible how most people today have been directly affected by this pandemic to some degree: lost income, a closed business, inability to travel or see extended family and friends, cancelled plans, school and work-from-home, cabin fever, and, well, constant fear of the unknown. Honestly, our family has experienced all of those aspects on some level these last few months, but no inconveniences or disappointments hit home quite like our son contracting it. My heart goes out to everyone ill or caring for a loved one who is ill with this virus. My son Brandon is sick and he’s still really struggling.

Having personally experienced my share of cold/flu viruses over the years, and having cared for our children when they’ve been sick with every common injury and illness, I have some know-how under my belt as far as responding to illnesses in our home. However, this one is not common. It’s not predictable. It’s not familiar. It is uncharted territory, and it’s symptom pattern and behavior are simply mysterious.

So we wait, we monitor, we manage and we pray.

Over the past 11 days since I last posted, Brandon has experienced unfamiliar, unsettling and sometimes frightening symptoms. When he initially began to feel a bit better than he had during the first week and a half, Bruce and I started to breathe easy again. Unfortunately, the relief was short-lived and had us tricked. His symptoms progressed from the initial flu-like fever, aches, cough, lack of appetite, complete lack of senses of smell and taste, headache and fatigue to an increase in appetite, increased energy, and the desire to sit outside for a few minutes every day. But then he took some dips, which we expected based on what others have reported experiencing. Knowing he had now reached the two-week mark, he made himself an appointment to be retested, but there wasn’t an available appointment for a week.

And we wait, we manage, we monitor and we pray.

His last setback started on the Thursday afternoon prior to the 4th of July weekend, and he hasn’t improved since. He hasn’t feel well at all, describing a slightly increased temperature (no higher than 99 degrees), with chills, muscle and joint aches and practically no appetite and now diarrhea. Where he had started several days ago to disinfect his room and bathroom, and had increased energy, everything suddenly regressed. My instincts told me that a possible secondary infection was brewing.

Another, and one of the most difficult, symptom he’s experiencing are enormous ANXIETY attacks. These episodes may be a result of the neurological effects of the virus itself, or a response to all of the other symptoms, but whatever the reason, it’s a real and very challenging symptom, both for the person experiencing it and for those taking care of the person.

Monday morning (today) arrived and at 8am sharp I had him call our doctor’s office and spoke with our family doctor’s nurse who has experienced this virus herself. Because Brandon does not have a negative test status, he cannot be seen by our doctor. Understandably, but incredibly ironic and frustrating because the wait is so long for his retest appointment. As the day has gone on, his stress level, his discomfort and hard-to-describe overall symptoms have worsened, so we called two urgent care facilities, the second of which allowed him to come in and be examined. He’s there right now.

And we continue to wait and pray.

THIS IS DEPRESSING.

In addition to the physical affects that this virus has had on Brandon, he’s also been struggling to keep a positive attitude. Fear can be a powerful force, and as the days and weeks have progressed, his ability to cope has decreased. His anxiety bouts coupled with a deepening depression that he may not recover has gotten a grip on him. We have talks and I try so hard to lift him up, encourage him, comfort him, reassure him, but honestly, I just don’t know. His girlfriend has also been trying to help during long phone conversations.

As a family of faith we hold tight and turn to prayer and scripture. We’ve been referring to verses regarding trust and patience. We’ve also been encouraging anything and everything humorous … movies, series, games. Anything to lift his spirits and take his mind off feeling crappy.

As for me, and please bear with my digression, as this is for all of the women/moms reading this. I’m trying not to, but I’m struggling, too. I’m doing everything I can think of to help my sick child while I try to protect the rest of my family. Some days I’m doing okay. Some days, I wish I was handling it all better. I’ll say again that I know that everyone is suffering from the virus, from the affects of the fear, from the the fighting, from the unrest, and from all of the hate. So, since writing things down is what I do, I’m going to share my feelings here:

I’m worried about my son. I’m worried about my husband and the rest of my children. I’m worried that my mom, my step-dad and my mother-in-law will become ill with this horrible thing. I’m angry because this shouldn’t be happening in the first place. I’m angry at the way people on social media don’t hesitate to express their opinions while they spew insults and disrespect the equally-valid opinions of others. I’m angry that I had to stop working, lose a significant amount of income, and stop moving forward with music and writing projects, plans and goals. I’m heartbroken for my daughter as she tries to plan for a wedding while this ominous gray cloud casts an enormous shadow over an event that she wants to be, and should be, excited about. Lastly, I don’t sleep. I. Don’t. Sleep. I have been trying to increase my physical activity to reduce stress and encourage sleep. I began to incorporate melatonin and some extra stretching to release tension.

Ok, enough of that.

We will get through this, I have no doubt. Thank you for spending time reading this post, and many thanks to all of our friends and family for checking in with us so often. We feel your prayers, we feel your love, and we know we’re blessed to have your friendship and support. I see many miracles each day and I know that many more, large and small, will happen as a result of this crisis we’re all experiencing. I’m grateful for God’s love and protection, for the beautiful cardinals who stay close to our home these days, and to the hawk family who have a brand new family in one of our backyard trees. I’m thankful for funny movies, goofy games played with my kids, and for wine. I wish I wasn’t quite as thankful for comfort foods these days. Stupid pasta.

UPDATE:

(Tues 6:15 pm) Thank you all for each of your texts, messages, facebook posts and blog comments. We are absolutely overwhelmed by the support we’ve received from each and every one of you.

So, after a long night in the ER on extra O2 and IV fluids, Brandon (with Bruce there with him) received the results of his CT scan of his lungs and abdominal organs which was CLEAR: no pneumonia. His 2nd COVID test, however, still came back positive. The test will indicate positive if there’s any viral presence. The numbers were probably initially quite high and are probably quite low now, but still present. After stabilizing his O2 levels (which had been lower than they liked when he first arrived), and after he demonstrated the ability to maintain his body temp, he came home early this morning. If he had been admitted to the hospital, he would have been placed in isolation with other Covid-positive patients, where we would not be able to stay with him, so the decision was made to send him home. We’re hoping that this was his last set back, and that with time, he recovers completely.

We appreciate all the prayers, support and offers for meals!! We love you all !! We ask that God protect each and every one of you and your families. Thank you!

(Mon 9:54 pm) Ascension/St. Vincents Urgent Care wants to transport him to Baptist Hospital (downtown Jacksonville) in order to get his blood oxygen levels up and stable. We are awaiting the results of his retest. If it’s negative, he will not be placed with other Covid patients, and Bruce can stay with him. All prayers are welcome!

Update on my son Brandon

Tuesday: It’s been one week since his symptoms began and Brandon has not had a good day. He’s frequently nauseous and his lack of appetite leaves everything I prepare for him only slightly touched. His is, however, staying hydrated, as I insist. He has lung discomfort, tightness, throat pain and coughing. He feels weak, unsteady, and very tired. His sensitivity to cold has been challenging since the other three kids are hot if the A/C setting is raised upstairs, especially at night. I’ve encouraged him to close his room’s air vent and to open his window to let in fresh, warm summer air. He and my friend Mark have been texting back and forth, and I’m so grateful for that connection. Although they both feel cruddy, they have vented to each other here and there, and compare symptoms with each other. As for sources of comfort: He has reported to me that he feels a direct correlation between drinking “fizzy-tab water” and feeling better. He’s referring to the molecular hydrogen dissolving tablets that I’ve been giving him once a day. It does really seem to help! I have coached the benefits of this product to my clients, and I believe in its benefits from my personal experience, so I’m so glad that this product is helping my son through his recovery.

Wednesday: When I asked him how he was feeling today, he answered that he’d slept pretty well, but was still tired. He still has been experiencing body aches and weird chills, despite his temperature not exceeding 98-99 degrees. He continued to sleep much of the day. He has expressed that his anxiety level, however, has dropped and that he feels much more relaxed. Thank goodness!

Gratitude

And speaking of thanking, I want to focus now on being grateful for the blessings that always bubble up during the struggles in our lives, as they have now … for the continuing miracles and silver linings revealed in the midst of our stormy weather.

The response to my previous blog article has been overwhelmingly positive and supportive. Thank you, everyone, from the depths of my heart. It’s always apparent through the many crises we experience in our lives, that we just have to look for the helpers, those angels who God sends us when we need them. I’ve also received warm responses of love, prayers and support from all of our friends and family with phone calls and text messages. Friends two doors down dropped off a large bowl of Filipino Pancit a few days ago because they know we (and especially Brandon) love it! One of my closest friends will be bringing us a full dinner tonight of baked spaghetti, salad, garlic bread and, oh, chocolate cake. I’ve instructed all meal-deliverers to drop and run since up to this point, we had not received our test results yet. Thank you everyone!

I sat on our back patio and reached back out via fb messenger to the bassist, Mark, who has been texting Brandon. I told him that I simply couldn’t adequately express my gratitude for his time and his efforts. I told him that I was sorry that he’s been going through this, too, and that we all have him and his family in our prayers. I told him that he has been a true example of a storm cloud’s silver lining. I’d hoped that my expression of appreciation would help to lift and comfort him, as well. I later read his fb post where he wrote that he’d been texting the 20-yr-old son of a local fellow musician, and that he was happy that he could help encourage someone else going through this.

Slow test results, but finally …

Brandon had received his COVID-19 test results in 2 days. It has been 5 days since the rest of us had our tests administered. It’s clear that the increased demands for tests have slowed the processing and result-reporting time. I took a chance and called the center where we had tested, and the tech that answered actually looked up our results in his system. After I provided him with correct privacy information, he relayed to me that Sean, Benjamin and myself all tested NEGATIVE. Phew. At least we knew now that we were not exposed from the same source that infected Brandon, and that we were not able to expose others back before Brandon had tested positive, nor when his symptoms were early. This status, of course, could change. We’ll only know in time if we haven’t contracted it FROM Brandon. I pray that our negative status remains that way.

Erin is over 18 and I was not able to receive her results. She called the center herself and was told her results were not back yet. Bruce was tested elsewhere and is also awaiting his results.

Thursday (today): Aside from the times that I sit in our upstairs loft along the wall about 8 feet away from Brandon’s bedroom door and chat with him as he sits at the end of his bed or walks near his ajar doorway, we communicate via phone (voice and text). I texted him a couple of times this morning to ask if he had any appetite and would like to eat, but he didn’t respond. After a bit, I went upstairs and knocked, backed up, and waited. He opened his door to say that he just hadn’t slept well last night, but had slept well this morning. And yes, he would like to try to eat.

He’s been quiet today. I’m leaving him to rest. Although I’m aware that this illness can last 3-6 weeks, as I learned from our pediatrician’s nurse that I brain-picked yesterday for 45 minutes, I believe in my heart that Brandon will be ok. He will muscle his way through this. He’s young and strong. I also know that having a good day on Monday may mean a rough day on Tuesday. Both Brandon and Mark have reported this fact to me.

Mother Bear

The mother bear was born in me the moment I found out that I was pregnant for the first time. She’s been there, ready to reveal her claws should anything threaten the well being of any of my children. I understand the instinctively fierce need for mothers to protect their children.

I felt the bear begin to waken inside me when this virus first made headlines, when it entered our country, our state, our county, our part of town. My anxious need to do everything in my power to protect my family became a primal focus of mine. And when my son became ill, the bear became fully awake and emerged … clearly, strongly and without question. Not only was my child sick, but the remaining children living in our home were now threatened. For the very first time since our older girls moved out, I was glad that they didn’t live here. However, would my other children get sick with this potentially life-threatening illness, too? My claws would like nothing more than to shred to pieces the forces responsible for the creation and unleashing of this scourge.

Ok, I won’t go on and on here … most people reading this understand what I’m talking about.

Before receiving our COVID-19 tests results yesterday, we’d been waiting and waiting to find out the status of the remaining five of us. I realize that the testing sites’ staff members have been inundated and overworked with this recent spike in local cases, but, since we notified people in our lives that Brandon was a positive case, we’ve been receiving concerned inquiries about our health. Of course, my mother has been wondering if our test results were back. Of course, Bruce’s coworkers have been inquiring as to our status, and many of them have gotten tested themselves.

But no one has been more pressing, more regularly and relentlessly inquiring than the “neighbor”. Remember her … the one I mentioned in my previous post? Although I assured her that as soon as I received our results, I would notify her, this assurance was not sufficient for her. She has felt the need to text me almost daily to find out if I’ve heard. No one could be more frustrated than me with the slow response in test results notification, but this person was beginning to drive me insane. By this past Tuesday (2 days ago), already stressed beyond belief, I replied: “Hello, as I have already promised, I will let you know when I find out. The labs must be running behind due to the increase in tests. Please know that I sincerely hope that you and your family aren’t impacted by this virus, but if you are at some point, I also sincerely hope that no one causes you to feel as repulsive, feared, and pressured as we have been made to feel.”

Always preferring to take the high road, however, I then texted, “May I call you?” A few minutes later, we were speaking (with voices) on the phone. I introduced myself to her, and we began to carry on a decent, amiable conversation. I explained that I understood her concern that her children may have been exposed to this virus unknowingly by my two young sons back before we knew Brandon was ill. She assured me that she was also concerned for our family. In my mind, I thought, how can you be? You don’t even know us. We hung up after I told her that, again, I would let her know as soon as we were notified of the results.

On Wednesday late afternoon, less than a minute after I’d hung up with the testing center with our results, I received another text from “neighbor”. My screen read: “Any results yet? My parents want to stop by and visit, but we don’t want them near our children until we know if Sean or Ben exposed them, so please get back to me as soon as possible!”

AAAAGGGHHHH!!! I replied: “15 second ago, I learned that the boys and I tested negative.” Her response: “Wonderful! Now you can concentrate on your son’s recovery. Let me know if you need anything!”

I wanted to reply: “Thank you, because if I ever need further harassment, I certainly know who to call!”. But I didn’t. I decided instead just to leave her on read.

My advice to everyone reading this: We are ALL concerned about our families. All moms have internal mother bears. However, please learn the following from my experience: It is never okay to hound and harass another stressed-out worried mom under the guise of concern for her family when clearly the motive is purely self-centered.Trust that she will get back to you as she agreed, show some tact, sensitivity, genuine care … and leave her and her family alone.

Enough about that.

Well, we still don’t have Erin’s or Bruce’s test results. And again, these were tests taken last week. Things can change. This crisis is far from over, and will probably impact every family at some point, to some extent, before it’s a terrible thing of the past. My heart breaks for all who are suffering from this or from its effects.

My daughter and her fiancé were engaged over a year, announced their wedding date this past Christmas, and have been planning their wedding out of town. The wedding is to be in September. They have been trying to continue on as planned, but now are not sure whether to postpone or not. For now, she is simply overwhelmed and a bit heartbroken that her wedding plans have been so overshadowed by this insidious virus.

However, as I’ve encouraged my daughter, we must stay positive, pray for guidance, and keep moving forward. Bruce continues to work hard from home every day; the boys are keeping occupied with legos, board/card games and online gaming with friends; Erin continues to hole up in her room staying busy with summer online college classwork until her test results come in; I continue to keep the house clean, prepare meals, write song lyrics and blog posts and play my keyboard; all while Brandon continues to heal and recover.

We pray without ceasing.

Until my next post, I’d like to leave my readers with this:

Angels are everywhere. God is everywhere. There is good everywhere, and good will win in the end. God is love and love never fails. One day we will look back and be grateful that we kept our heads high, our faith firm, and our attitudes positive. Love one another and accept the love and help of the angels in our lives when we need them, and then be the angels for others when they need us. Enjoy comfort food including chocolate cake. It’s as simple as that.

Oh, and please don’t harass anyone, ever, especially a stressed-out mother bear.

Update (6/28): Erin’s and Bruce’s test results arrived late yesterday. It took 8 days to receive these results.

And, not surprisingly, the consistent text messages of concern for our family abruptly ceased once I notified the neighbor that our youngest boys’ tests were negative.

Photo credits: 1– Cross hands over heart (messymarvelous.com), 2– Mother Bear (paulnicklen.com)