There comes a time when we realize how fast our children are growing, and at the same time we realize how quickly our parents are aging. We find ourselves transitioning from our dependency on our parents (and you know how much we lean on them long after we’ve moved out and start our own families) to now worrying about them. We start to notice that they are slowing down, that they aren’t as energetic as in years past. They may be starting to lean on us as the roles now have reversed.
It is at this point that we are concerned for both the daily well-being and needs of our growing children AS WELL as our aging parents. We check in with Mom to find out how the last doctor’s appointment went for her more so than we would to let her know how our appointment went.
We are now sandwiched as care-givers for the generations below AND above us. Welcome to the sandwich generation.
Some of you who know our family’s history will recall that my husband Bruce’s Dad Royce Pitre was diagnosed with lung cancer from asbestos exposure (akin to mesothelioma) back in early 2003. In the summer of 2004, Royce passed on. In the late fall of 2012, my Dad, Cliff Circe was diagnosed with bladder cancer (due to decades as a cigarette smoker) and passed in early December 2012.
Where Bruce’s Mom, Sylvia never married again, my mom Virginia (Gigi) remarried in the summer of 2013. We all love Jim, and I lovingly refer to him as my StepDad. In the last 18 months or so, during all of this pandemic psyop, our 3 living parents (all now in their early 80s) have had a really hard time, and we’re very aware of their ages. Although before the pandemic, we all spent time together often as our family, the pandemic dictated that we become and remain careful not to risk virus exposure to our elderly loved ones. But due to increasing health problems, I’ve taken many trips to visit my Mom and Jim, and we’ve visited Bruce’s family in Louisiana as much as possible, much of which visiting was due to the activities related to the wedding of our daughter Kathryn during the summer and fall of 2021.
It was during this family wedding trip in Tucson when my mother-in-law Sylvia fell, badly injured our left shoulder, and then needed a full shoulder replacement before she could return to Houma, Louisiana. After her surgery, her transportation home with family members, and the start of her recovery, I flew to Louisiana to stay with Sylvia. She’s lived alone since her husband’s passing, but many family members live nearby, I knew I could help her rehabilitate due to my clinical training in physical therapy as a manual therapist. I offered my help to assist her while she rested during the important healing process prior to the start of her physical therapy plan of care several weeks away. The other family members who live there in town with Sylvia all work full-time jobs. Initially they created a rotation of care-givers who would stay overnight with her in the early weeks after her surgery, but it was a hard schedule to sustain. Because I can work my graphic design business, write music and coordinate music events straight from my laptop, I had the ability to move in with Sylvia for several weeks knowing that Bruce could handle our home and family in Jacksonville without me for a while. I was able to care for her, cook, clean, grocery shop and drive her to appointments.
Meanwhile back in central Florida, my step Dad’s diabetes and COPD became increasingly severe following a heart attack he suffered shortly after having his gall bladder removed in November of 2020. Eventually, his failing health has put him under hospice home care as needed. My mom’s physical health is ok, but it’s been very taxing on her to care for her declining husband.
After visiting Houma this past early July 2022, I was at my parent’s home in western Orlando, for a weekend when I received a text message from my sister-in-law in Louisiana that they had taken Sylvia to the ER because she had fallen in her home. She had broken her right wrist and needed surgery to place a stabilizing plate. I asked if she wouldn’t mind having me come back once the surgery was done so I could help her as I had last fall, and she welcomed me back. This time I drove to Louisiana and stayed about 10 days so I could cook, clean, drive her to appointments and keep her company. After leaving, the other family members needed to come and help daily to make sure she was doing okay. She was weak and unsteady from pain medication and residual effects of anesthesia, and while I was there, she had a bad reaction to some medication and back to the ER we went. Her sleep patterns were backwards so I didn’t get much sleep while staying there. I returned home to Jacksonville exhausted but ready to pop back into my role as mom caring for my own family’s needs.
So, I’m back at home, but I keep my suitcase nearby in case I need to drive to stay with my Mom in Orlando or drive back to Louisiana. At the same time, I still have a 9th grader, an 8 grader and one in his last year of college. Six of us still are under our roof … just a lot going on!
We’ve had some family discussions and have decided to have Sylvia visited daily by their local Council on Aging organization. They offer free services from meals-on-wheels to help with appointment transportation. We hope that she’ll regain her strength and go back to being as independent as she always has been, but with each passing year, and with each injury set back, it’s becoming harder to recapture her confidence, her stability and self-reliance.
My mom is so grateful for their hospice system there in Orlando. The nurses and aides are wonderful, and help with medication and with Jim’s growing personal needs such as dressing and bathing. They also offer respite time where he stays in a close-by nursing care facility so Mom can have a few days to rest, focus on herself and their home, and to get some errands done.
There are many resources if you know who and where to ask.
Here are a couple of articles that I found that explain the experiences many of us are living right now.
https://www.apa.org/topics/families/sandwich-generation
I’ll keep everyone posted on our family as always. It’s difficult to face the mortality of our parents, but this is life and these times give us opportunities to return the love and care that our parents gave us throughout our lives. I can never thank our parents enough for all of their support, love and help during challenging times for me, especially their help when our 3 different sets of twins were all newborns.
Are any of my readers going through a similar experience? It actually feels like another season of life, this sandwich phase. I’d love your feedback!