Many studies have been done over the years weighing the positive vs. the negative effects of placing twins in separate classrooms. However, I’m not going to explain the results of these studies here. Instead, I’m going to provide you with food for thought for your decision-making consideration strictly based upon mine and my children’s personal experiences, and I hope this can help you make the right decision for your children.
As parents of multiples or singletons, we strive to provide environments where our children can develop a positive sense of individuality while feeling secure and safe, grow and thrive with a strong awareness of self worth and pride in themselves and their abilities, and to blossom in self-confidence with healthy goals and ambitions.
We want our children to grow up to lead healthy, happy, productive lives.
And as your children’s parent, you know them better than anyone else based on your day-to-day observations of their personalities, their strengths, their weaknesses and their unique relationship dynamic as individual members of a twin (or more) set.
One of the first questions asked of twin parents as their children begin to reach school age is, “Are you going to separate them in school? I’ve heard that’s the best thing for them …” Right? Everyone’s an expert, and everyone has an opinion.
I’d like to break it down for you based upon our 3 twin set combinations and their individual situations.
TWIN SET 1:
First of all, our first born twin girls were incredibly joined at the hip, so to speak, from infancy through age 9. They attended a small parochial school that had only 1 class per grade so we really didn’t have the choice to separate them or not. We knew they were very comforted by each other’s close proximity because each tended to be shy. Being together provided a sense of safety and security that we believe each child benefited from on a very healthy level. We noticed that by the time they reached 4th-5th grade, each of their circle of friends had expanded, their social confidences grew, and their interests began to diversify. One of the girls continued her pursuit in dance, while her twin wanted no longer had an interest in dance and wanted to focus on martial arts and sports. Because they had now developed different friend circles and different interests, their development and growth in individuality was proceeding in a very healthy manner. We watched and celebrated their true individuality. By the time they both entered high school, their class schedules differed and they continued to grow into the young adults they are today with the normal amount of occasional conflict and disagreement along the way.
TWIN SET 2:
The dynamic between our second set, a boy and a girl, was completely different from our first set of girls. Where they were also very close from the very beginning, this closeness never ended, and in fact, at age 20 today, they still remain the closest of our three sets. By the time they reached school age, we noticed some aspects of their brother/sister relationship that could potentially negatively affect their classroom relationship. For one thing, our son very early on began to exhibit a reading disability along with a mild level ADD. His sister, always the perfectionist, compliant achiever, would hover, protect and “cover” for her twin. She was always watching out for him and felt personally responsible if he “messed up” in some capacity. She was constantly trying to keep up with the tasks she was expected to do, while also feeling responsible for (and embarrassed by) her twin brother. Subsequently, we noticed that our son grew to depend too upon his twin sister’s assistance. On top of the dependency/enabler dynamic that was developing, they also were (and still are) very competitive with each other. Everything from who finished their homework first and who scored in a soccer game became a brutal competition.
We decided to moved our son to our local public school for 4th and 5th grades where he could benefit from our county’s reading resource programs. During the two years that they were separated, our daughter was relieved of the self-imposed brother responsibilities, and was able to concentrate on her classwork and enjoy her friends. As for our son, he initially experienced severe separation anxiety from his twin while also being a “new kid” in a new much-bigger school, but this difficult transition soon proved to be a healthy opportunity for him to recognize his own abilities. It was sink or swim, and although he flailed and gulped some water initially, he soon began to enjoy his new friends, and felt proud of himself as his individual achievements began to grow and his grades improved. We brought our son back to our church school for 6th-8th grades where there were two classes per grade, so we requested that they remain in separate classes where they continued to thrive, but never missed the chance to compete over math grades or higher basketball scoring!
TWINS SET 3:
Our twin boys have been best friends from the start, but are also very competitive with one another. Neither boy has a shy bone in his body, and we began their school career in pre-kindergarten at our small church school as we had with their 4 older siblings. Within a year, they were BOTH beginning to exhibit signs of dyslexia, just like their older brother. Being experienced in this situation, I placed them in the same public school for 2nd and 3rd grades that had proven so successful with our older son. Because they each take comfort in each other’s close proximity, we felt that the new school was enough of a change, and requested that they be placed in the same classroom. However, while one of our boys began to slowly improve, his twin still significantly struggled. Try as we did to give him all of the extra and individual reading support possible, one of our boys would not prove the academic strength to proceed on to 4th grade, and was retained in 3rd grade.
I will be perfectly honest with you. I was devastated. In my mind, I was very concerned with the emotional and mental impact and ramifications that could develop as the twin left behind while his brother moved forward. He would always be behind from then on. I also saw the lost chance achieving academic milestones and of their graduating high school and college together, but I didn’t allow him to know how I felt. Instead, we put our chins up and all came to accept that our son was where he needed to be. When I think back, I’m so proud of how brave he was, and I tear up remembering how he simply made the decision to make and embrace his new friends. He actually enjoyed saying, “Oh, we did that last year in math, so it’s easy for me!”
After two years of applying, both boys were finally accepted into a school for dyslexic children here in Jacksonville where they both have done very, very well. Our older boy is presently excelling in 6th grade while his twin brother is killing it in 5th!
IT’S ALL ABOUT THE INDIVIDUAL CHILD
We all want to do what’s best for our children, and just because our kids came in sets of two or more, it doesn’t negate their complete individuality … whether they are fraternal or identical twins.
Looking back, I didn’t know exactly how our choices would play out. So as parents, I encourage you to know that you can experiment. If there’s some particular factor that has prompted you to consider separating twins who have been together thus far, perhaps it’s worth exploring. If, for some reason, it doesn’t work out, then move them back together for a while! School administrators understand the challenges that come with twin students and will often times work to ensure that everyone is happy, including us parents!
For other resources and information on this topic, I invite you to visit my twin mom friend’s site: https://www.twiniversity.com/2019/03/separate-my-twins-in-school/
And another helpful resource: https://www.twinmomandmore.com/separating-twins-in-preschool/