Category Archives: Parenting twins

Separate School Classes: Pros and Cons

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Many studies have been done over the years weighing the positive vs. the negative effects of placing twins in separate classrooms. However, I’m not going to explain the results of these studies here. Instead, I’m going to provide you with food for thought for your decision-making consideration strictly based upon mine and my children’s personal experiences, and I hope this can help you make the right decision for your children.

As parents of multiples or singletons, we strive to provide environments where our children can develop a positive sense of individuality while feeling secure and safe, grow and thrive with a strong awareness of self worth and pride in themselves and their abilities, and to blossom in self-confidence with healthy goals and ambitions.

We want our children to grow up to lead healthy, happy, productive lives.

And as your children’s parent, you know them better than anyone else based on your day-to-day observations of their personalities, their strengths, their weaknesses and their unique relationship dynamic as individual members of a twin (or more) set.

Our 3rd set of twins, Benjamin and Sean start pre-kindergarten

One of the first questions asked of twin parents as their children begin to reach school age is, “Are you going to separate them in school? I’ve heard that’s the best thing for them …” Right? Everyone’s an expert, and everyone has an opinion.

I’d like to break it down for you based upon our 3 twin set combinations and their individual situations.

TWIN SET 1:

First of all, our first born twin girls were incredibly joined at the hip, so to speak, from infancy through age 9. They attended a small parochial school that had only 1 class per grade so we really didn’t have the choice to separate them or not. We knew they were very comforted by each other’s close proximity because each tended to be shy. Being together provided a sense of safety and security that we believe each child benefited from on a very healthy level. We noticed that by the time they reached 4th-5th grade, each of their circle of friends had expanded, their social confidences grew, and their interests began to diversify. One of the girls continued her pursuit in dance, while her twin wanted no longer had an interest in dance and wanted to focus on martial arts and sports. Because they had now developed different friend circles and different interests, their development and growth in individuality was proceeding in a very healthy manner. We watched and celebrated their true individuality. By the time they both entered high school, their class schedules differed and they continued to grow into the young adults they are today with the normal amount of occasional conflict and disagreement along the way.

TWIN SET 2:

The dynamic between our second set, a boy and a girl, was completely different from our first set of girls. Where they were also very close from the very beginning, this closeness never ended, and in fact, at age 20 today, they still remain the closest of our three sets. By the time they reached school age, we noticed some aspects of their brother/sister relationship that could potentially negatively affect their classroom relationship. For one thing, our son very early on began to exhibit a reading disability along with a mild level ADD. His sister, always the perfectionist, compliant achiever, would hover, protect and “cover” for her twin. She was always watching out for him and felt personally responsible if he “messed up” in some capacity. She was constantly trying to keep up with the tasks she was expected to do, while also feeling responsible for (and embarrassed by) her twin brother. Subsequently, we noticed that our son grew to depend too upon his twin sister’s assistance. On top of the dependency/enabler dynamic that was developing, they also were (and still are) very competitive with each other. Everything from who finished their homework first and who scored in a soccer game became a brutal competition.

We decided to moved our son to our local public school for 4th and 5th grades where he could benefit from our county’s reading resource programs. During the two years that they were separated, our daughter was relieved of the self-imposed brother responsibilities, and was able to concentrate on her classwork and enjoy her friends. As for our son, he initially experienced severe separation anxiety from his twin while also being a “new kid” in a new much-bigger school, but this difficult transition soon proved to be a healthy opportunity for him to recognize his own abilities. It was sink or swim, and although he flailed and gulped some water initially, he soon began to enjoy his new friends, and felt proud of himself as his individual achievements began to grow and his grades improved. We brought our son back to our church school for 6th-8th grades where there were two classes per grade, so we requested that they remain in separate classes where they continued to thrive, but never missed the chance to compete over math grades or higher basketball scoring!

TWINS SET 3:

Our twin boys have been best friends from the start, but are also very competitive with one another. Neither boy has a shy bone in his body, and we began their school career in pre-kindergarten at our small church school as we had with their 4 older siblings. Within a year, they were BOTH beginning to exhibit signs of dyslexia, just like their older brother. Being experienced in this situation, I placed them in the same public school for 2nd and 3rd grades that had proven so successful with our older son. Because they each take comfort in each other’s close proximity, we felt that the new school was enough of a change, and requested that they be placed in the same classroom. However, while one of our boys began to slowly improve, his twin still significantly struggled. Try as we did to give him all of the extra and individual reading support possible, one of our boys would not prove the academic strength to proceed on to 4th grade, and was retained in 3rd grade.

I will be perfectly honest with you. I was devastated. In my mind, I was very concerned with the emotional and mental impact and ramifications that could develop as the twin left behind while his brother moved forward. He would always be behind from then on. I also saw the lost chance achieving academic milestones and of their graduating high school and college together, but I didn’t allow him to know how I felt. Instead, we put our chins up and all came to accept that our son was where he needed to be. When I think back, I’m so proud of how brave he was, and I tear up remembering how he simply made the decision to make and embrace his new friends. He actually enjoyed saying, “Oh, we did that last year in math, so it’s easy for me!”

After two years of applying, both boys were finally accepted into a school for dyslexic children here in Jacksonville where they both have done very, very well. Our older boy is presently excelling in 6th grade while his twin brother is killing it in 5th!

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE INDIVIDUAL CHILD
We all want to do what’s best for our children, and just because our kids came in sets of two or more, it doesn’t negate their complete individuality … whether they are fraternal or identical twins.

Looking back, I didn’t know exactly how our choices would play out. So as parents, I encourage you to know that you can experiment. If there’s some particular factor that has prompted you to consider separating twins who have been together thus far, perhaps it’s worth exploring. If, for some reason, it doesn’t work out, then move them back together for a while! School administrators understand the challenges that come with twin students and will often times work to ensure that everyone is happy, including us parents!

For other resources and information on this topic, I invite you to visit my twin mom friend’s site: https://www.twiniversity.com/2019/03/separate-my-twins-in-school/

And another helpful resource: https://www.twinmomandmore.com/separating-twins-in-preschool/

Quarantine 2020: Our “Temporary Normal”

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We’ve all had to readjust to the “temporary normal” way of life these days during the global pandemic that has touched each one of us, and it’s been a challenge!

As moms, so many things are on our minds right now: the health of our spouse/partner and of our children … and of ourselves. How can I best protect my children from this health-threatening virus? What if I or my partner get sick … who will take care of our children? How long will I be out of work?

We’re blessed that my husband was able to transition to working completely from home, and it’s working out fine for him. I had to leave my job at the medical spa where I worked as a medical massage therapist as well as a nutrition/weight loss consultant, so my income completely stopped as so many of yours has. My musical group’s last performance was held on March 15th, to a pretty small audience because social distancing was just kicking in. The following week saw the big changes.

Our college kids pretty seamlessly transitioned from on-campus to all online classes, and my 5th and 6th graders are now attending school via virtual education. I don’t know how Microsoft Teams isn’t crashing more with all the overload its taken on.

All is working out, and so far, we’re all staying well. We’re complying to the appeal to stay home and stay safe. Although we’re all plugging along in this temporary way of life, there’s still an underlying element of stress and worry.

In the search of stress-managing and stay-at-home idea resources for our family, I came across some great info that I’d like to share with you, my readers.

The following article has been helpful to us, and I hope you find some helpful ideas for your family as well:
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Positive-Parenting-and-COVID-19_10-Tips.aspx

Another interesting article:
https://parade.com/1009774/stephanieosmanski/things-to-do-with-kids-during-coronavirus-quarantine/

I especially love that you can visit the Cincinnati Zoo virtually each day via their facebook page at 3pm (CT)! Number 26 (Face-timing family) is sooooo important for everyone! We use ZOOM and it works really well!

Last Saturday, my husband took our 12-year-old boys out into our driveway to work on last year’s Webelo scout’s birdhouse/feeders they had made. Now the job was to complete them, hang them and fill them with bird seed to attract the gorgeous cardinals and other birds in our yard.

I love our newly-hanging birdhouses … now to see how long it takes the squirrels to know they’re here!

Parents, we’ll all get through this, I have no doubt. It’s really hard isolating from our friends, co-workers and extended family. It’s so hard not having our 2 older girls with us as they have been quarantining away from us. And while we focus on the care of our families, keep our homes clean and cook what feels like our 478th dinner this month, remember to take care of YOU, too! Some close friends of mine have arranged a get-together via ZOOM each Friday night where we sip some wine, laugh and catch up with each other. Talk about a STRESS RELEASER! Here’s a pic of our last group visit.

That’s me on the left with my phone taking our pic … I guess I could have screen-shot the session LOL!

Everyone stay home for now, stay safe, keep the faith and we will soon be back into life. For now, let’s take this unique opportunity to slow down, focus on our families, appreciate each other and our blessings, and stay healthy!

Coming Soon: TWINS x3 on AUDIOBOOK

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I’m in the process of narrating my book, TWINS x3 10-Year Anniversary Edition with the assistance of my music co-writer Kenny Levine in his recording studio where we record our music. With the further assistance and expertise of music industry performing artist and promotional expert Jeff Ganz as editor and producer, the audio book will be released in Spring 2020! Stay tuned!

A fun talk with Elizabeth Guarino of The Best Ever You Show

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Thank you Elizabeth Guarino for inviting me to chat with you on your amazing show!

CLICK HERE to LISTEN TO THE FUN WE HAD!

Out of the Mouths of Babes …

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What did my kid just say?!

We all have that one child that sees something and must comment about it, no matter how much we internally pray that he won’t notice it, and heaven forbid actually SAY something out loud about it. Then it happens, and we’re absolutely FLOORED … our heart rate increases, we start to sweat, we desperately try to cough, distract, or just grab our kid and run away as fast as we can ….

I’ve been cursed …

It’s probably cosmic pay-back or the curse your mom puts on you that she “hopes you have a child just like you one day”. I’m here to day that the curse does work, it does exist.

When I was a small child I would point out everything I noticed and stated everything I thought about. My mother often tells the story of the time our family greeted our pastor after mass one Sunday when I was about five years old, and I reached up and said, “Were we good in church Mommy, or are you gonna beat us again?” Now, my parents may have given us bottom spankings when we deserved them, but we were never BEATEN. My mother was mortified! Today, DCF may be notified …

Another time, a elderly man who was a family friend came to dinner. This gentleman had a rather large mole on his nose. My mother made a point of NOT SEATING HIM NEXT TO ME at the dinner table specifically due to my tendencies to verbally-observe. However, after asking if I could sit next to him, the gentleman said, “why of course you can!” To this my mother inwardly groaned. Sure enough, during dinner I noticed the mole, and my mother noticed that I noticed the mole. As I began to furrow my eyebrows and to slowly reach up my little index finger to verbally observe, my mom suddenly jumped up and shouted, “DESSERT ANYONE!!??”

To the check out boy: I hope he didn’t scar you for life …

And so the tradition has continued with my own children.

While standing at the grocery store check-out counter with my then 5-year-old boy/girl set of twins, I couldn’t help but notice the male, teenage check out clerk’s unfortunate prevalent case of full-facial acne. I began to repeatedly inner chant to myself, “please don’t let Brandon say anything to this young man”. But within only seconds, my sweet, compassionate son emphatically announced to this young man, “It’s okay, I had chicken pox really bad on my face, too! Don’t worry, your mommy can give you an oatmeal bath and put some lotion all over your body to make you feel better!

I’ll bet you’re glad you asked …

When I was walking out of our local library with two 12-year-olds, two 7-year-olds and a double stroller carrying two infants, an older woman who was approaching the door to enter, stepped aside and allowed our parade to exit the building. I thanked her for her patience, and she replied, “Are those all your children?”  When I replied that they were, she then stated, “Wow, I’m glad it’s you, and not me,” … to which my 7-year-old daughter responded, “we’re glad it’s not you, too!”

The above article was submitted to Parents.com on 3/13/19 for story contributions of “the most embarrassing/funny things their child has said out loud”.

One more tidbit (shared by one of my Instagram followers)

The one that stands out for me: Standing in line in a VERY CROWDED post office holding the baby also with a toddler and a 5yo who, at the moment, was rubbing my leg. Then she shouted for ALL to hear “Momma, you’re not wearing any underwear!” Mortified I then proceeded to show everyone that I WAS INDEED wearing underwear! 😱😂😂

Becoming a SAHM … is it right for you?

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For my husband and me, deciding whether or not I would leave the onsite workforce when our first set of twins arrived wasn’t tough for us. Placing two newborns in daycare would have been very expensive, so we decided to accept and compensate for our temporary reduction in income. As challenging as it was in the early days while staying home with infants twins, the lack of stress that would have been involved with providing a daycare sitter enough pumped breast milk, diapers, clothing, etc., for two babies while I went to work just to pump milk far outweighed any income we would have kept after paying the monthly daycare bill.

I was happy with my decision, and I’ll never regret having stayed home with my children while they were preschool aged. Although my income would have prevented some financial strains over the years, I would have regretted missing out on my children’s early lives which already flew by too quickly. By the time we had six kids between the ages of 0 and 12, my taking care of our busy children just made sense.

I was fortunate that my career skills as a graphic designer provided me the ability to work from home while I was a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom). When my eldest set of twins were six months old, I began to provide freelance design and production services for the office department where I had previously held a full-time position. I simply worked on a per-project basis via remote access, and with the arrivals of twin sets two and three, I eventually operated my own part-time design business from my home office. It wasn’t easy balancing my family and professional life, but doing so gave us some needed supplemental income, and I could stay current in my field’s ever changing technology.

There are ever-growing opportunities these days to allow a SAHM to become a WAHM should she choose to do so.

There were, and will probably always be, those who criticize a mother’s decision to continue working outside of the home and criticize those who leave the workforce to stay at home with her children, so parents simply have to decide what feels right and makes the most sense for their own family.

The above article was submitted to What To Expect on 3/6/19 for story contributions of “What factors should be considered before a woman decides to be a SAHM?”

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Do your kids behave better for others than they do with you?

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Children behaving badly

While I opened my wallet to pay our babysitter Stephanie after my husband and I returned home from our date night, I asked her how everyone behaved. “Oh, they were great! They even helped me clean up their rooms and the play room before they went to bed,” she answered.  “Oh, I’m so glad,” I responded, while in my head I asked, “who were these children she was referring to, and what has she done with mine?”

I remembered how stressed and short-tempered I’d been earlier that afternoon while trying to get everything in order with the kids, with their homework, while preparing dinner, and then trying to get myself ready to go out. I felt that my kids’ noise and energetic behavior was making matters worse. Maybe the problem was more me, than it was them.
       

As a mother of six over the years, I’ve definitely seen a correlation between my mood and my children’s. On the days after I’ve been up all night with a sick child, for instance, I’ll do my best to keep everything and everyone moving along smoothly, but will probably fall short somewhere along the way. While some children will try to help their tired mom, others might take advantage of a mom who’s obviously not at her best, and believe that they can get away with behavior that they might otherwise be corrected for.
       

Luckily, in my experience, I’ve been on my game more than I have not been. My children have been taught they must respect us as parents as well as each other, and to comply with our house rules. With that said, however, every child will have a less-than-perfect day here and there, and that’s to be expected and is understandable. Communication is key. It’s important to find out why the rebellious or disrespectful behavior is happening, and address it as soon as possible. If behavior is becoming increasingly worse, it’s never too early to ask their pediatrician for advice or for a referral to a therapist who can help to address a problem in its early stages.
       

Honestly, I don’t feel badly when my children behave well for others. When I’m told that my children have been well-behaved and used their manners while staying at friend’s home or with their grandparents, I’m very proud of them. I was raised by parents who always said that we should behave at another person’s home well enough to be invited back for another visit, and my husband and I have taught our children the same.

The above article was submitted to Romper on 3/13/19 for story contributions of “What can moms do to get better behavior out of their kids who behave better for others?”

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Parenting over the years … how much has it changed?

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Parenting over the years … much has changed and much has remained the same.

Now that I’ve been a parent for 24 years, I believe that some aspects have remained constant while others have evolved over the years. My initial thought when reading the title of this article was that technology, and its subcategory social media, have caused the biggest changes for me. Where, as moms, we would call our own mothers or other close, trusted family members for advice concerning pregnancy, diaper rash, preschool, and preparing for prom, we commonly today jump on our social media sites and poll our “friends” for advice or to simply observe how other moms address these concerns. While this approach to support and information may be quick and convenient, the other side of the coin often reveals conflict, disagreement and judgment, leading us to regret putting our private lives out there for scrutiny. In addition to providing a source of information and support, social media has also become a spotlight for some of us as we raise our children year to year. If parenting isn’t stressful enough, we have put added pressure on ourselves to present our families as “perfect”. And should we put our challenges and shortcomings out for all to view, we are oftentimes asking for criticism and for advice that we may really not be asking for at all.


So how parenting has changed for me is with the ever moving progression of technology, and I believe that this applies to all generations prior to mine and to all those in the future. What has not changed, I firmly believe, is our deep, primal desire to protect, care for, nurture, support and unconditionally love our children as we prepare to send them off into this technologically ever-changing world.


The above article was submitted to FamilyMinded.com on 2/7/19 for story contributions of “Things that have changed in parenthood and parenting over the years”.

Chores! Everybody pitches in.

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In a family as large as ours, it’s vital that each member pulls his or her own weight from an early age if we’re all to maintain sanity in our household. As early as toddlerhood, each child was taught how to put his toys in the toy boxes before bed time and to bring her dirty laundry to our laundry room baskets. Preschool children learned how to fold dish towels and bath towels (because there are ALWAYS clean baskets of those waiting to be folded), as well as removing and remaking bed sheets each week. I used to do it all myself, but in time I learned that in allowing them to do it themselves, despite the crooked sheets, they improved with practice!

If you contribute to the mess-making, you’re gonna contribute to the clean-up

As each child grows, more responsibilities are given. After arriving home from school, there is no snack or play time until all backpacks are emptied, homework is placed on our dining room table to be done, and lunchboxes are put where they belong.
       Our three girls share a bathroom and our three boys share another … and all are responsible to keep them clean … every. single. day. Our three boys share our garbage and recycling products duties which includes rolling out the bins for pick-up days. In turn, our three girls are responsible for sweeping/mopping our downstairs, high-traffic floors.
        By the age of 11 each began to share the kitchen clean-up duties as noted on a written chart on our kitchen bulletin board. Next to it is a large white board entitled “SCHEDULE” where each family member is required to mark his or her weekly schedule including school classes, after-school jobs, extracurricular activities and social activities. Updating this schedule chart is part of each child’s responsibilities because unmarked changes cause chaos!
        By the start of college, each of our children is required to take care of his or her own personal laundry, but must contribute to the towel/linen folding and putting-away duties.
        My husband and I were raised to contribute to our family chores, and I’ve noticed that over the years of strict compliance to our duty roster, each of our children has come to appreciate living in a fairly well-kept, well-running home.
        Do chores get neglected? Of course, occasionally, and is usually due to some unexpected conflict, or a teenager’s negative attitude, but our home continues to stand and run in a fairly smooth fashion.
        Today, our twin girls are now 24 (each will or has recently moved out), our middle set of boy/girl twins are 19, and our youngest set (boys) are now 11. Over all, our kids have learned how to juggle their home chores with schoolwork, jobs and social activities … all of which are good life lessons needed to bring them into responsible adult life, a reality that comes all too quickly!

Our three girls share a bathroom and our three boys share another … and all are responsible to keep them clean … every. single. day. Our three boys share our garbage and recycling products duties which includes rolling out the bins for pick-up days. In turn, our three girls are responsible for sweeping/mopping our downstairs, high-traffic floors.
        By the age of 11 each began to share the kitchen clean-up duties as noted on a written chart on our kitchen bulletin board. Next to it is a large white board entitled “SCHEDULE” where each family member is required to mark his or her weekly schedule including school classes, after-school jobs, extracurricular activities and social activities. Updating this schedule chart is part of each child’s responsibilities because unmarked changes cause chaos!
        By the start of college, each of our children is required to take care of his or her own personal laundry, but must contribute to the towel/linen folding and putting-away duties.
        My husband and I were raised to contribute to our family chores, and I’ve noticed that over the years of strict compliance to our duty roster, each of our children has come to appreciate living in a fairly well-kept, well-running home.
        Do chores get neglected? Of course, occasionally, and is usually due to some unexpected conflict, or a teenager’s negative attitude, but our home continues to stand and run in a fairly smooth fashion.
        Today, our twin girls are now 24 (each will or has recently moved out), our middle set of boy/girl twins are 19, and our youngest set (boys) are now 11. Over all, our kids have learned how to juggle their home chores with schoolwork, jobs and social activities … all of which are good life lessons needed to bring them into responsible adult life, a reality that comes all too quickly!

The above article was submitted to the Epoch Times on 2/20/19 for story contributions of “Do you encouraging your children to participate in household duties?”